Drazzt here and I want to talk about an increasingly common phenomenon that has been stirring trouble for us goblins and monsters everywhere; of course I’m talking about those meddling heroes that apparently aren’t happy with ruining all of our evil plans but have now taken to also ruining our holidays!
What in the Nine Hells is a Beach Episode?
What? You never heard of beach episodes? Even I have and I’m a goblin! No matter then, there’s no point in complaining about it if you don’t know what I’m talking about, so I guess I’ll just tell you; simply put, a beach episode happens when the characters of a story (in our case the meddling heroes) take a break and go to a beach or spa or you name it really to relax and enjoy some splashy fun.
Here’s the thing though, I’m sure that these parties of hooligans have way better things to do than stroll about in swimsuits. Not to mention all the other strange activities we goblins have been witnessing lately. Can you believe the other day I saw that one scary Dragonborn Barbarian taking part in a swim suit competition? Why in the Nine Hells would they do that?
I’ve also seen them smashing watermelons (with a painted goblin face on them!) and playing a strange game involving a fishing net and a ball. Now, this would all be fine if 99% of these outings to the beach didn’t end up in untold deaths of innocent monsters who were just looking to enjoy their holiday!
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothing I tell ya! If you ask me they’re just an excuse to goof out and waste our tax dollars. The so called “Dungeon Masters” say that it’s a great way to get creative with monster and just have a fun time roleplaying and having silly competitions but it’s all a sham! You want to take a break? Just take some boring downtime in the nearest town like a normal adventurer! Don’t go pestering us hard-working monsters at the beach!
Suuuure maybe there’s some interesting activities and monsters you can only spot during beach episodes but why do you think we came here? We got here first! I say no more adventurers bashing in our skulls while we’re just trying to raid the local seaside market like honest monsters!
“B-But beach episodes help relieve tension after heavy plots or sessions…” My green arse! The only tension these good for nothing heroes see if the one they put on our necks when they wring them!
And this isn’t just at the beach either, the other day I was talking to my cousin brother-in-law and he was telling e all about his friend Larry who got jump at the sky slopes when he was simply trying to enjoy the snow. I also heard about a fella in a nearby lake that just wanted to have a look at the floating market and ended belly up in the water! Us monsters have it real hard lately.
I think it’s about time us monsters take a stand about the menace that adventuring parties have become in the recent years. We want to enjoy our holidays too! Monsters have rights!
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